Humans are selfish and proud.
Period.
End of paragraph.
End of Story.
In our fallen, sinful nature, we, in a passive-aggressive fashion, give lip service to God while at the same time telling the world to "Look at me!!!" . People boast about their financial success and how much they are "blessed" with a "#BLESSED" license plate on the front of their Cadillac Escalade. People boast about how spiritually "blessed" they are by taking an obviously staged photograph of their "quiet time" complete with 87 bibles, the entire MacArthur commentary series, notebook, pen, highlighter, dog and cup of coffee and will post said photo on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or all 3 platforms at the same time, telling everyone how wonderful their "quiet time" was...under the hashtag #blessed. It's known as "humble brag" and it nauseates me. But I am just as guilty of pride as the next person so please do not think that I am trying to say that I do not do such nauseating things because I do. I have a fallen nature, too. I am guilty of boasting and pride and all kinds of nausea-inducing behavior. But, as I said before, humans are selfish and proud and we cannot always see how nausea-inducing our behavior really is. We are more than happy to "put ourselves out there", so to speak, and let the world see how wonderful our life is and how much God has "blessed" us.
And then, all of a sudden, the wheels fall off the wagon.
In September 2016, my wife and I lost our son, Nathan, through suicide. He was 25. Just a few month's later, my mother's health took a nose dive and in September of 2017, we placed her in a nursing facility because she has Alzheimer's disease and cannot live on her own. In late March-early April of 2018, my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor and in September he was gone. Rapid fire heartache over the span of 2 years.
Our marriage, and our relationship with God, began to crumble after our son passed and progressively got worse. Debbie and I went in the opposite direction. Debbie, as any mother would, clung to our daughter. She had already lost one child. She wasn't losing another. I, as most guys would, withdrew into myself and put up a stone face as if to say, "I'm ok. I'll be alright'". But I wasn't. And after my dad passed, I threw in the towel.
All of this time, Satan and his minions were working in the background of my mind. I was thinking thoughts that were absolutely ludicrous. "Deb doesn't care about me. All she cares about is Holly. She won't leave the house. She won't do anything with me. She shows no interest in me. She doesn't love me." These thoughts were there day after day and I allowed them to take over my mind. Ultimately, I committed the most grievous sin any man can do to his wife. I committed the sin of adultery. I had an affair.
Now, why do I tell you all of this? A couple of months ago, I talked about God sending Satan to Job to assail him and Job glorifying God in the end by saying that the LORD gives and the LORD takes away...blessed be His name. That's the Stockhover Paraphrase. Today, I'm talking about God allowing stuff to happen with Him getting the glory in the end.
I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that God did not make me commit the sin of adultery and have an affair. I can also tell you that God knew it was going to happen and used my sin sinlessly to achieve His purposes. That is what happened through the affair. I know the context of this story isn't the same but......Remember when Joseph's brothers tossed him in a pit because they were jealous? Then they decided it'd be better for them to make a little money off of him than to just leave him in a pit and let him die, because he was their brother after all, so they sold him to a caravan on the way to Egypt? Later, when Joseph was in a position of power in Egypt, his brothers came there because of the famine. He recognized them but they didn't recognize him. And, in the end, after he revealed to them who he was and the entire family had come from Canaan to Egypt, what did Joseph say to them? Again, the Stockhover Paraphrase.... in Genesis 50:20, Joseph tells his brothers that they meant evil against him but God meant those things for good because it saved a whole lot of lives, including his own family. Now, does that mean God caused Joseph's brothers to sell him into slavery? It is entirely possible but I don't think so. Why? Because the human heart is sinful enough and doesn't need prompting from God to do evil things. But God, in His sovereignty, knew what the brothers would do and it was all according to His plan. He didn't cause them to sin. He didn't make them sin. He didn't author their sin. But, he used their sin to bring about His divine purpose.
The same is true of my affair. God didn't take over my body and mind and make me sin. I can sin all on my own. He did, however, use my sin to achieve His purpose. What purpose? I firmly believe that if you are one of God's chosen, even though you sin, He doesn't leave you there. He may chastise you and discipline you but He doesn't forsake you. Take David, for example. He sinned with Bathsheba, then murdered her husband to try and cover it all up. Nathan came to David and rebuked him. David admitted his guilt, repented of his sin and was restored in relationship to God. That didn't alleviate the consequences of David's sin. There would be strife within his house for the rest of his life. The child born out of the original sin committed with Bathsheba would die. But, God didn't leave David in his sin and abandon him. He put David back on the right path. And, ultimately, God received the glory. He has done the same with me.
After I found out my dad was going to pass from his brain tumor, I went into feel sorry for myself mode. My son was dead. My mom was losing her mind and now my dad was going to die. My wife and daughter didn't care about me or so I thought in my warped mind. I felt totally and completely alone. Satan and his minions preyed on that sentiment. I allowed them to do so. It felt good to be all "woe is me" and I let myself go to a place where I should not have gone...emotionally and spiritually. Ultimately, it was selfishness and pride on my part because I wasn't getting the kind of treatment from my wife that I thought I deserved. Never mind the fact that her son had just taken his life not too long ago and that she was an absolute wreck. I was not getting what I thought I deserved. It led to my downfall. But I didn't stop there. Nooooooo. Even after I was found out, I would still make contact. I was so incredibly entangled in sin and bereft of any common sense. I was absolutely a different person. Sin had turned me into something that, if you knew me, you would not have recognized. Mind boggling, is it not? Debbie knew I was not myself and she was able to hold on, with God's help.
Thank God for Pastor Don Green in Cincinnati. Debbie and I had been going to his church because we couldn't find one close to home. The whole time we went, I was neck deep in this sin. He rebuked me...severely. And that is what God used to open my eyes. I was brought to my knees because of what I had done to Debbie, the mother of my children, a woman that I've been with for nearly 30 years. But, more importantly, I was brought to my knees because of how I had sinned against God. He is the one I had wronged. I had broken His law, not Debbie's. He was gracious and loved me enough to send Don Green my way and use him to rebuke me soundly. He was also gracious enough to allow Debbie to forgive me for my despicable, sinful actions. He did not leave me in my sin. He did not leave me where I was...and He got the glory.
The experience has been traumatic. Of course there have been consequences to my actions. But, Debbie and I are committed to each other and to our marriage. As we move forward, our relationship with God and each other grows stronger by the day and we are doing very well, considering the circumstances. But it doesn't go without road blocks from time to time. Consequences for actions taken. Again, He didn't leave me where I was. His purpose was accomplished. Debbie and I were brought back to Him, and each other, through this situation. We were given a love for each other that is deeper than it was before. Most importantly, we have been infused with a trust in God and a love for Him that is more than we have ever had. As we look back at what happened and where BOTH of us were at the time, we can see how His hand was sovereignly moving and directing all along to accomplish His purpose, which was ultimately Him getting all of the glory.
There is nowhere else the glory can go. There is nobody else who could've done what He did. He alone is worthy.
