My wife and I lost our son, Nathan, on Sept. 22, 2016. He was 25 years old.
As parents, we want nothing more than for our son to be praising God in heaven, to be a part of the heavenly chorus singing around the throne. We do not have this hope with any amount of certainty.
Our son made a profession of faith when he was a child. He was raised in the church. He did all the right things, said all the right words. You know, he acted the way a good Christian was supposed to act. He "prayed the prayer", "accepted Jesus into his heart" and was off and running. His mother and I, having no other barometer to measure against other than what we had been fed, the "gospel" of do this and don't do that, thought all was well.
Then things fell apart. My wife and I, after years of struggling through our marriage because, for all intents and purposes, my profession of faith was a sham, were divorced. Our son, having watched his dad live a hypocritical life, saying one thing on Sunday and doing another Monday - Saturday, realized that, he too, could not live up to the smothering behavioral code that we had yoked to him. He turned away from what he had been taught.
While divorced, God was gracious enough to show me what a horrible sinner I really was, how I had sinned against Him and deserved nothing but His just wrath. I was turned inside out, brought to my knees in repentance and was granted faith in Christ by the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit. After 3 years of separation, my ex wife and I were remarried. Our relationship was, and still is, better than it had ever been. With Christ at the center, it's amazing the difference in a marriage. The damage, however, had already been done to our son. He was as lost as a ball in tall grass. He was in with the wrong crowd, using drugs, into eastern religious mysticism, a wanderer, refused to work, went from place to place, despised any kind of authority, had no respect for anyone. I tried to make amends with Nate but the anger from years of terrible parenting on my part ran deep. He left Indiana and ended up in Murfreesboro, TN.
He met a girl there, quit the job he had and followed her to Roanoke, VA. In VA, he made some bad choices and had been in trouble with the police. He was on probation for some alcohol offenses. When drinking, his temper would flare and he would yell and carry on when things weren't going the way he thought they should. He has his dad to thank for that example. At any rate, he was trying to turn his life around. He had a job, an apartment and was keeping his nose clean. But, at the same time, because of his past choices, consequences were starting to pile up. His girlfriend no longer wanted to be his girlfriend. He was alone in Roanoke, VA, away from family and any friends he had. He took his own life. My wife and I do not know his reasoning. We never will. We think it was a combination of everything, culminating in utter despair and hopelessness. Like I said, we will never know.
I tell you all of this to tell you this:
Parents, if you and your kids are in a church that teaches a "gospel" of Do's and Dont's, run. That's not the gospel. That's works righteousness. My wife and I placed a burden on our son that WE WEREN'T ABLE TO BEAR, let alone a child. When our son got older, he realized there was absolutely no way he could live up to expectations so he walked. People in the church are asking...Where are all of the kids who grew up in the church going? I have just given you the answer.
We, as parents, grandparents, youth workers and pastors, have not given our kids the gospel. We have given them the law and it's destroying them. As Michael Horton said, "Moralistic Theraputic Deism" is what we have given our kids.
The Word tells me that if my son repented of his sin and placed his faith and trust in Christ alone for his salvation, he is secure. We are holding onto this hope. We can do nothing else. I cannot fathom anything else.
At the same time, it is excessively sad for me to look back at the damage I caused, living a hypocritical life, placing a burden on my son that was impossible to carry. I cannot stress this enough. I have no idea how things would have turned out had I raised my son in a household where the gospel was proclaimed but I can only imagine that it would be a wee bit different.
Do not burden your children with a list of Do's and Dont's. As soon as they realize they cannot do all of the Do's and they do all of the Dont's no matter how hard they try not to, they are going to despair and give up.
Believe me, please. I speak from experience.
